I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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