I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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