I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize