yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
