Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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