They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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