It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
