Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
