Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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