no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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