I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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