Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
