nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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