Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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