I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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