I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
