So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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