i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
