god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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