His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
