it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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