Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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