Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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