Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
