it was like his penis was on wheels.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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