I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
