My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
