Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
