I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
