tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
