I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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