Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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