her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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