Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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