when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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