repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
