I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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