She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
