If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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