So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
