i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
