I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
