I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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