No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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