i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
