i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i came on her dog
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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