I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
