I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
