Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
