I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
