My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
