How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
