When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
We smell like vodka and hangover
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
