remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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