do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize