im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
