i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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